Lexington: Meta

Lex's War Trauma (tm)
Thinking more about Lex's guilt..... I bet she has intrusive thoughts she has to fight because of everything. Like... obviously she's come to enjoy inflicting pain and the application of that power + the catharsis that comes from it, and on a conscious level she's very aware of how Not Acceptable that is, esp since the main resistance has distanced itself from her because of it.

Where this becomes more of a problem is when she thinks about her future and wanting to settle down and Be Normal and having intrusive thoughts pop into your head when you're talking to someone and having a normal conversation and suddenly you imagine what they'd look like with their legs broken, well that's just not helpful or comfortable.

And it's not just intrusive thoughts it's intrusive memories. Not ptsd, just like. Seeing a loose nail on a doorway and then remembering when she nailed a frumentarius to a wall to keep him still while she interrogated him because she didn't have any rope to tie him up. Shit like that, you know, that she's aware is always at the cusp of her conscious memory, and that she knows almost no one else experiences or /should/ experience.

At this point she's very dedicated to the idea of finishing the fight against the legion and then enjoying her well earned peace, where she'd live a quiet life and continue the future she'd lost in Marysvale, but every uncontrollable part of her that is Not Normal is challenging that idea and desire on a deep level...

She definitely overcompensates with her cheery attitude and penchant for humor, like that's very much just who she is, but at the same time she clings to that aspect of herself as hard as she can because it's something unchallengingly Normal that is a part of her identity and sense of self.

This very much ties into the theme of Letting Go because only when she lets go of her idealized vision of the past and what she thought an ideal life should be, does she finally become comfortable with herself and find happiness.

It's definitely an unhealthy and disassociative coping method for her.... all the awful things she's done and has been through she's compartmentalized and filed away as Temporary Things; her REAL life will begin when all this nonsense is over, so don't stress it or think about it too hard, it'll be over eventually. In the meantime she's clung to her faith to help her ride through these trials and for the most part it's been working.

And this is why she crashes and burns SO hard after IASITM, because everything she's packed up and not thought about suddenly comes crashing down on her, the floodgates opened and nothing to stop the oncoming torrent.

Her Ridiculous Marriage
lmfao a lot to unpack here

How they both deal with Trauma (tm) and help each other
I've been thinking about the early years of Lex's marriage and related to this, one of the traumas that's Become A Part Of Her is that stability feels like danger, because she's always ran from place to place and never got to know people really well since she was a young teen.

This causes a lot of paranoia and distress and is a big factor leading to her eventual post-IASITM breakdown--she compartmentalized her trauma and thought that she could push it aside and live without repercussions from the things that have happened to her once she had a Normal Life, but that's ofc not the case.

She eventually has to actually confront this trauma a few months after she's married, when she's been pregnant for a little while. Like this is Permanent Stuff, you know. Even when she was in Zion Canyon before getting married, the thought was unconsciously in the back of her mind that she could just Leave if she ever needed to... she probably at one point gets a little anxious and goes on a week or so long scouting mission outside of the Canyon just to get away for a bit. She knows she could just.... keep going, but it's entirely /her/ choice to turn around and go back. Nothing is forcing her to.

Fast forward to a ring on her finger and a child on the way, that's like.... unfathomable. Her paranoia and anxiety starts coming back and she ends up at a breaking point with a panic attack about being trapped, but unlike in the past, she doesn't have to deal with this /alone/. Joshua is there for her, and she really genuinely and deeply WANTS to be there with him.

It's rough, but he helps her through it. She actually has someone to talk out her Complicated Feelings with and they parse out eventually what's wrong with her. Joshua assigns more guards around the camp's perimeters and when they're traveling to help temporarily assuage her, and for a few weeks basically schedules things so that she never has to leave his side at any point, and can be anchored by him and feel safe...

It honestly was a very good thing they rushed into their marriage and having kids because if they didn't Lex would have fucking bolted sometime during their engagement when she felt the pressure of the oncoming permanence... Joshua too probably would have had guilt-related second thoughts, but once they're married right away those thoughts manifest after God has witnessed their marriage and he can't exactly take that back now can he?

They really have A Lot to learn and work through those early years... but they work through it, constantly reminding each other about their genuine and deep love for one another and how they will Make Things Work because they won't let their pasts ruin this beautiful thing they've found with each other, esp since they have kids to take care of now that they love very much.